As the War Grows Heavy
by remusscl
Summary: As the Marauders - particularly Remus and Sirius - recover from the Prank from the year before, they start their sixth year deciding they need all need to grow up a bit, not realizing that the war was already demanding them to. With a war they're too young for slowly creeping into their daily lives, the boys learn more about what the choice to love and to fight must now entail.
1. Prologue

June 22, 1976

Remus Lupin stood in his pajamas with a coat thrown around his shoulders at his door as he faced Sirius Black. Remus wrapped the coat tighter as he started to freeze in the night air.

Sirius had his new motorbike with him. He must have come from the Potters' where he usually hid it. At least Remus hoped he came from the Potters. Remus' home was less than an hour away from the Potters on that bike. Grimmauld Place was over three hours away.

"I told you I needed space, haven't I?"

Sirius looked guilty and desperate. He set his helmet down on the bike seat and walked onto the porch, towards Remus until they were face to face. His long hair was whipping frantically as the wind blew harder. He kept shifting from one foot to another, looking stiff. Now up close, the yellowing purple underneath his eye was more visible, but it was much better than when Remus last saw him.

"I know what I did was stupid, and careless, and… horrible… But I wasn't thinking. He was bothering me when I was on my way to you - "

"I've heard all this already, mate," Remus said, his face deadpan, but Sirius continued.

" - asking about where you were going. He wouldn't stop. He was having a go at me, threatening to tell everyone where you sneak off to every month and I snapped. For a second I thought it would be funny if… No, I shouldn't have. I know I shouldn't have but I did and it was mistake. A massive one. But you know I'd never do anything like that again, Remus. I care about you so much. After that… I would never put you - or anyone - at risk again."

Remus was quiet for a while.. It wasn't that he didn't believe Sirius. He knew that what Sirius was saying was true. He knew that, no matter how much he despised Snape, Sirius never had it in him to cause that much harm to anyone. He knew that Sirius would be more careful now. That he'd never come close to doing anything nearly as idiotic.

Still, after everything, and even with Sirius begging at his doorstep, the most vulnerable that Remus has seen and heard him, Remus couldn't bring himself to forgive him, much less be friends again. He considered just turning around and closing the front door behind him, but as he saw Sirius's hands shake from the nervousness, he sighed. "I told you I needed space," he repeated.

"I have given you space…" Sirius said meekly. It was obvious he was trying his hard not to sound defensive.

Remus scoffs, shaking his head. "It's hasn't even been two weeks, Sirius."

"Moony…"

"Surely you understood that I'd let you know when I was ready to talk about this. That you can't just come knocking at my door in the middle of the night just because you'd thought it'd be a grand idea to check whether I'm fine already or not because you felt like it. Well, I'm not."

Sirius looked down. " I'm sorry. It's just… It's been bloody killing me and… I just… Can't lose you, Moony."

Remus' face, for the first time that night, softened. "You won't."

Sirius' looked up at Remus again, doubtful and wary.

"But… I need time. I can't just go back to being friends with you when trying to trust you again… and even just looking at you…It's all become too exhausting. I can't do any of this right now. "

Sirius nodded slowly, swallowing hard. "Right… Right… I'll go then. I'm sorry." Sirius turned around walked back to his bike, twisting his hair into a ponytail before putting his helmet back on.

"Are you and James talking now? And Peter?" Remus found himself asking suddenly. He'd seen his other friends quite a bit the past week, but both had enough tact to not mention Sirius. Not yet, at least. Remus just wanted to know if there was someone Sirius could turn to. He knew summers at Grimmauld Place were the hardest for him.

"Not Peter, no," Sirius said, turning around. "But James and I started talking again yesterday. Even stopped by to get the bike. Used the Floo Network. It's not all good yet but… We're getting there. He hasn't given me another black eye or anything," he said, pointing at the fading bruise underneath his eye. "I'm staying there tonight so you don't have to worry about me travelling back to London. "

"That's good… You should get going…You take care."

Sirius smiled sadly. "Will do, Moony," he said, before turning around and mounting his motorbike.

July 20, 1976

Hope eyed her son, her face furrowed across the kitchen table.

Sensing his mother's stare, Remus looked up from his book. "Have I got something on my face?"

She rolled her eyes as she put her tea down. "Haven't seen you out with your friends lately. It's the first time you've just been at home for more than a week straight since before your first year."

Remus returned to his book.. "I'd just rather stay in for a while. Besides, I love spending time with you."

Hope laughed. "As much as I'd love to believe that, sweetheart, I'm afraid you're going to have and tell me the truth, yeah?"

Remus kept his eyes fixed on the pages. "I am, mum."

Hope shook her head. "What's going on? Anything happened? Everything's okay?"

"Everything's fine, mum," he said, getting tired of his mother's questions. Deciding it was better to leave before he got too impatient and snapped at her, he closed his book and got off from the stool. "I'm going to have a nap. I stayed up late last night."

Hope's face fell. "Oh, okay. I'm just here if you need me, sweetheart," she said as Remus walked over to her and kissed on the forehead.

"Don't worry," he said before turning around to leave her. He started climbing the stairs up to his room, catching a glimpse of his father in the living room, looking worriedly at Remus. Remus didn't look back, he just kept climbing.

He felt guilty lying to her and keeping everything from her when he knew that his mother, who only ever wants to know whether her son was safe and okay, deserved to know what happened. But he couldn't tell her. He was already wrestling with how he felt about being friends with Sirius again. Having to deal with whether his mum would even let him near Sirius if he told her would be another thing on his plate.

Dumbledore has only told his father about what happened, despite Remus' pleas to not tell either of his parents. Remus' dad was a good bloke, but it was always hard to know what he was thinking. Still, Lyall Lupin only ever wants to protect his son and his wife. And, sometimes, protect his wife from the fact that they can't always protect their son. Lyall was silent after seeing Dumbledore. He had just hugged Remus for a good minute and told him to take care. The next morning he didn't say anything about it other than "you're right, your mum doesn't need to know about this."

Remus also didn't want to admit that he was getting exhausted hanging out with James and Peter too. He tried spending time with them the first few couple weeks of his summer. Even had Wormtail and Prongs around the last full moon. Everything seemed normal, even though he knew it was artificial. They've returned to some semblance of their usual dynamics, joking around and telling stories. Still, despite Remus spacing out a bit more than usual, he was present enough to know things were different.

Peter had always been careful and attentive, but lately, he seemed like he was always holding his breath until Remus talked. The way he'd been walking on eggshells around Remus was too much. Remus knew where he was coming from, Peter was just being a good friend, reassuring Remus every other minute. Remus understood that. But he couldn't quite deal with that right now.

And James hadn't even been nearly as subtle. He'd stop himself in the middle of telling some of his stories abruptly, laughing nervously and saying it didn't matter. Remus knew this was code for 'I just realized Sirius is in this story so I don't want to continue it.'

Remus knew that James and Peter were on good terms with Sirius again. Remus didn't mind. He liked that he could stay away from Sirius without having to worry if he was okay. He wouldn't even have minded if they talked about him with Remus. What Remus did mind was the panic in their eyes when they realize they accidentally say his name or start a story that included him.

Remus just needed to be alone for now, and he knew they'd understand. Besides, he'd probably see them the next full moon. He knew they wouldn't take no for an answer; of course they'd be there again.

He plopped down on his bed, forgetting to put his book back on the shelf. He put it on the floor, tucking it under his bed so that he wouldn't accidentally step on it later. As he did, his fingers brushed against crumpled up fabric. He pulled it out and saw that it was one of Sirius' leather jackets, the one he had accidentally left here when he slept over during the Christmas holidays months ago. Remus sighed and, not knowing why because it had gone all dusty already, held it close to him as he drifted to sleep.

August 10, 1976

He was scared of how bad the full moon would be; he'd been so angry and hurt the past couple of the months. He had been feeling better the past week or so - more at peace, less resentful. Still, there was no knowing when it came to his transformations.

When he opened his eyes, however, James was there sitting next to his bed, grinning. "You did well, mate. Not gonna lie, was a tad bit worried too."

Remus gave him a small smile. He was feeling massively sore, but it was the usual ache. He had grown used to it. "Knew you were. You hid it better than you did last month, though."

James shrugged. "Yeah, well, things have been pretty rubbish lately, didn't want to admit I was fucking terrified I wouldn't be enough to keep you in check with Sirius still not here. But you did well."

Remus chuckled out of relief, even though it hurt his ribs to laugh. He didn't know if it was relief that he didn't cause any damage to himself or his friends or the fact that James was being candid with him again. Probably a mix of both.

Remus sat up carefully, wincing at every move. James propped his pillow up for him and guided his back. As much as he hated being vulnerable after his transformations, he still appreciated how his friends moved like clockwork whenever they helped him on days like these.

"Peter left already?"

James shook his head. "We just had lunch. He's helping your mum with the dishes. You know how happy he gets when he eats your mum's cooking."

Remus stiffened. "My mum knows you lot are here?"

No one knew that any of his friends were Animagi, so she couldn't know they've been here since last night. He didn't how his mum would react. She knew enough about the wizarding world to know it was illegal. Remus had assumed that James and Peter had just been putting on the invisibility cloak every time his mum went up to check on him.

James leaned back in his chair, shaking his head. "Don't worry. We got tired of hiding under the cloak because she was checking on you so much so we climbed out of your window and knocked on the door."

Remus relaxed, grinning. "'Course."

He thought this would be draining, but talking to James again actually felt good. He didn't know why he didn't expect to have missed his friends this much.

"You're okay that we're still here, right?" James asked, suddenly looking worried.

Remus nodded. "I am. I just needed space for a while but… I missed you lot."

James smiled, punching Remus lightly on the arm. "We missed you too..." he said. "All of us," he added pointedly.

Remus' smile faltered. "Don't."

"I'm not asking you to trust him again, mate. Not even asking you to forgive him."

Remus looked away.

"You know, it could've been any of us," James said carefully. "Peter and I are idiots too. I, for one, am just realizing now the stakes of half of the crap we all need to straighten out and deflate our heads a bit. We all need to be less reckless."

"That's true and I appreciate that, James. But that doesn't change the fact that it wasn't you or Peter, does it? It was Sirius."

"And I'm not letting that wanker off the hook," he said. "I'm just saying that… He's willing to change as much as - and even more than - us. He is changing. It's been two months. A lot of things can happen in two months when you're just a sixteen-year-old arsehole."

Remus managed to smile at that, but was still feeling apprehensive. "I don't know, James."

"Like I said, mate. Not asking you to forgive him right away. But I do think you miss him too, whether you've forgiven him or not… And maybe now that you've had some time and space without him, actually talking can help you forgive him now… If you're planning to."

Remus sighed. "'Course I am. But sometimes it still feels like too much. Even though I have been…considering talking to him… It's just hard to know if it's really the right time."

"Well, if there was a right time for that poor bloke to get any good news it would be now," James muttered before meeting Remus' eyes and looking away hastily. He stood up from his chair. "Anyway, told your mum, I'd tell her once you were up so-"

"What does that mean?" Remus asked, frowning.

"Oh, your mum-"

"James."

"Nothing, just that… I reckon now's as good a time as any to talk to him is all. I didn't -"

Remus furrowed his brow. "You're acting weird. Tell me."

James' shoulders sagged. "Fine...It's Sirius… He ran away from home. For good. He's living with me now. I think something really bad happened."

August 12, 1976

Remus stood nervously behind James outside one of the many guest bedrooms - that was now, technically, Sirius' bedroom, Remus realized - in the Potter mansion.

James knocked.

Remus could hear Sirius saying something from behind door. It was unintelligible but, even then, it was still weird to hear his voice for the first time in two months. Then he heard footsteps until the door opened slightly.

"I'm really sorry. He forced me to tell him," James blurted out before Sirius could even see Remus standing behind him. "I didn't even know he was coming. Practically threatened me at the front door so I'd let him talk to you."

Sirius looked and saw what James meant. He glared at James. "I'm going to murder you."

"I don't blame you," James said as he stepped aside and Remus had a clearer view of Sirius. He looked exhausted.

Sirius looked back at Remus, almost apologetically. "You don't have to do this."

"I know."

James looked back and forth between the two before clearing his throat. "Anyway, I'll leave you two to it," he mumbled as he turned around and walked away from them.

"Can I come in?"

"I.. Yeah, mate, of course." Sirius opened the door wider, leaving it like that as he walked back to sit on his bed.

Remus walked in, closing the door behind him, and took a seat by the desk. He looked around the room. James had told him Sirius had been here the past two weeks, but there was almost no trace of Sirius in the room other than his trunk that was overflowing with Sirius' clothes in the corner. The walls were bare of posters of motorbikes and Muggle bands. His stack of records were nowhere to be found. There were no Gryffindor banners hanging by his bed. Remus figured that Sirius probably didn't have much time between deciding to leave and actually leaving Grimmauld Place.

"You don't need to do this," Sirius repeated, snapping Remus out of it.

"Do you not want me here?"

Sirius sighed. "'Course I do, Moony. I just… I don't want you to think you need to. I feel bad enough as it is," he said, letting out a bitter laugh.

"Need to what?"

"Pretend that you forgive me just because you heard about…" Sirius trailed off, shaking his head. His hair was in a messy bun again and with every movement of his, more strands of hair fell loose and framed his face. "I didn't even want James to tell you."

"I'm glad he did," Remus said, looking down at the floor. The more he looked at Sirius the more tempted he was to go to him, hug him, and tell him that they should pretend nothing ever happened. But Remus knew that wouldn't help anyone.

He hears Sirius snort. "I just… Don't want you to feel pressured to do this just because you're worried about me. I don't want to talk about it."

"I'm not."

Sirius smiled at him ruefully. " You're too much of a good person for me to believe that, mate. You worry about everyone."

Remus looked up at Sirius again. Sirius was eyeing Remus carefully. "I am worried. 'Course I am. And you don't have to talk about it yet if that's what you want. I meant I'm not feeling pressured to do anything. If I'm being honest with myself, I've been ready to forgive you for a couple of weeks now. I was just scared to admit it."

"Because you're scared that I'd fuck up again."

Remus sighed, nodding.

Sirius scratched the back of his head. "Understandable. But I really meant what I said. I'd never -"

"I know, Sirius. You don't have to tell me again. I know. And I believe you," Remus said, getting up and sitting next to him.

Sirius looked at him, surprised. "You do?"

"I'm not 'bout to pretend like I don't have my doubts… But for the most part, yes. At least, enough for me to start trusting you again."

Sirius nodded. "Fair play. That's more than I deserve, at least."

Remus shrugged. "Yeah, well, some things are bigger than who deserves what. I mean you three have done a lot things for me that were more than I deserved, and that's an understatement."

Sirius snorted, punching Remus lightly on the arm. "You deserved everything we ever did for you."

Remus shook his head. "You know what I mean. It was a lot to expect a bunch of twelve-year-olds to keep a gigantic, dark secret that none of you lot even fully understood, to overhaul their entire schedule because of when I needed notes copied down for me or when I needed company at the hospital wing, to spend hours laboring over the Animagi transformations just to keep me company… But you three continued doing exactly that for the next four years before fucking up once… I think those four years… They're too much for me to ignore even if you fucked up. Too much for me to not consider."

Sirius smirked "The Animagi transformations were quite impressive of us," he said.

Remus chuckled even though he could still see the uneasiness and wariness in Sirius' eyes as she joked. "You lot hid it from me so well because you wanted it to be a surprise until the part where you had to keep a mandrake leaf in your mouths for a whole month."

Sirius sighed. "The teachers loved it. Quietest James and I had ever been, wasn't it?"

Remus grinned, nodding. "Definitely. Besides we've got to make up eventually. It's Peter's birthday next week. He can't have separate parties for us, now can he?"

Sirius laughed. "That's true."

They were quiet for a while until Remus spoke again. "You know I mean it, right? That I'm willing to start working towards trusting you again… Without so much space this time."

Sirius grinned. "I do… But I know there's still a lot of things we need to talk about… About that night…I know that you can't just… Just do this that easily."

Remus shrugged. "We've got time."


	2. What Counts as Normal Now?

The students of Hogwarts had walked warily into the Great Hall on their first day of classes that term. They had all eyed the four Gryffindor boys suspiciously as they passed them. But as first period was nearing and there were still no signs of everyone's breakfasts turning into insects or exploding in their faces at the same time throughout the hall even after McGonagall cleared them for their N.E.W.T.-level subjects, Remus's schoolmates started looking more confused than anything else.

Ever since second year, Remus and his friends had started the year by pranking everyone during breakfast. This year they decided not to. Or at least, planning a prank at all just hadn't come up. They had spent the entirety of the night before talking about what to do with and how to deal with Snape.

"Do you think he's told people?" Peter asked in a low voice, as he finished up his plate.

Remus shrugged. "Hard to say. I have zero expectations of decency when it comes to him but Snape is terrified of Dumbledore and I haven't been harassed by any of his friends yet so..."

Peter scoffed. "If he did, oh Merlin, I swear we're going to -"

"We're going to do nothing and let Dumbledore deal with it," James finished, elbowing Peter in the rib.

"Ow!" Peter rubbed his ride and turned to Remus. "I'm sorry."

Remus smiled at James, grateful and amused. "It's fine, Peter."

As James and Peter start talking about their schedules, Remus turned to Sirius, who was sitting across him, half-expecting him to mutter something about Snape, but is a met with a Sirius that was just quietly cutting up his eggs.

He and Sirius haven't quite gone back to how things were. They had spent time together and talked quite a bit during the last stretch of the summer holidays, but it wasn't enough. They were getting along, but he could still sense a lot of holding back on both ends. He knew that he didn't necessarily fully trust Sirius yet and that Sirius could feel it, which is why he's been more careful around Remus, even when they're joking around.

Sirius must have sensed Remus looking at him because he looks up from his food, raising his eyebrows.

Remus shook his head. "Nothing."

Looking confused, Sirius just smiled and nudged Remus' knee with his under the table before returning to eating his food. Remus didn't know why the small gesture felt so reassuring.

Sirius had been quiet and calm since they got here. He had even managed to ignore Snape and his friends glaring at him on the train and pushing past him on the way back to the dungeons after the Sorting ceremony.

Remus felt a tap on his shoulder, when he looked up, Lily Evans was looking down at him. "Remus, can I talk to you?"

"Oh, uh, sure." Remus grabbed his bag and turned to his friends. "I'll go ahead. See you at Transfiguration?" James was looking down at his food as he nodded, suddenly hyper-focused on his breakfast. Sirius and Peter were looking at James, amused, before turning to Remus.

"That's a yes, I reckon," Peter said, still glancing at James.

"Do you want me to save you a seat if I get there first?" Sirius asked earnestly, smiling.

Something about the way Sirius said it made Remus smile too as he got up. He figured he just hadn't gotten used to being friends with Sirius again. "Sure. Thanks." He turned around and started to walk out of the Great Hall with Lily.

Remus didn't know what she wanted. After patrolling with each other for a year and sharing notes with each other for majority of their time at Hogwarts, Remus figured they were friends. Lily had even always voiced out that she wished he wasn't so inseparable from "those idiots" because she actually liked talking to Remus. Still, they've never actually had a real conversation outside of their patrol shifts or classes.

"What's going on with you four? Is there a bigger prank later that I need to prepare for?"

Remus shook his head.

Lily narrowed her eyes. "Just tell me. I won't stop it if it's harmless. I've given up at this point."

"Don't worry, Lily. We just didn't plan anything for today."

"Are you sure? Because Potter was acting weird."

"Because he wasn't being a wanker around you? Fair," Remus said. "But we really haven't planned anything."

Lily frowned. "Why? What are you four playing at?"

Remus shrugged. He couldn't tell her that the idea of pranks and getting into trouble didn't sound so appealing anymore because the last time one of them did something stupid, James and her best friend - former best friend? - almost died in his his hands.

"Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk to you about anyway," Lily said as she pulled Remus around the corner from the hallway that led to their Transfiguration classroom. "Better I talk to you now."

Remus frowned. "What is it?"

"Potter and Black have always been targeting Sev and his friends and I never understood why but lately they've been tampering with Dark Magic and I've been hearing rumours that over the summer that they've been dealing with… much worse. That some of them have been meeting up with Death Eaters who work directly under You-Know-Who and… Okay, I know it's stupid. I know we're all just sixteen but… Do Potter and Black maybe know anything? Do you?"

"Lily, I know that Snape and his lot are terrible and I have been hearing rumors but I don't know if there is any truth to them. Nor do James and Sirius. They're my mates but I'll be the first to admit that they were mostly targeting him because James and Sirius can be arrogant idiots most of the time. Why? Are you worried?"

Lily crossed her arms, leaning back on the wall. "A bit, yeah. I mean, the jokes they've been playing on Muggle-borns and Half-bloods haven't been jokes. They've been _assaults _. The incident with Mary last term should already be making everyone worry."

"I can patrol with you tonight," Remus offered, not quite sure what Lily wanted from him. "I know it's not my shift but…"

Lily rolled her eyes. "Don't be daft, I don't need a bodyguard. I'm asking you this because I figured Black and Potter might know something and… To be honest, I thought Dumbledore might have told you something. He's always checking up on you and asking you to come to his office so I figured you two were close."

Remus swallowed. "Oh… Yeah, that's not….No, he didn't tell me anything. Sorry."

"Are you sure? Because every year I get more and more worried that the war is finding its way into this castle and it's always seemed ridiculous but now Severus and his friends are making it seem more possible."

Remus put both hands on Lily's shoulders. "Lily. They're a bunch of You-Know-Who fanatics, I don't doubt that. But they're also a bunch of sixteen-year-olds like us that Death Eaters aren't going to take seriously. No one's going to be giving them orders to start carrying out You-Know-Who's commands anytime soon. And even if that did happen, I think Dumbledore would know what was happening in his castle."

"You think I'm mad."

"I don't.. I get why'd you be worried."

Lily sighed. "And if you hear anything?"

"I'll let you know," Remus said, nodding.

When they got to Transfiguration, his friends were already there and there was seat waiting for Remus next to Sirius, who was sitting behind James and Peter.

Sirius smiled at him as he sat down. "What did Evans want?"

Professor McGonagall then shut the book she was reading at her desk and stood up. "Settle down now, settle down."

Most professors at this point would give them a congratulatory spiel about making it to the N.E.W.T. level in their subjects, but McGonagall had gone straight to jotting down instructions on the board and talking about different kinds of conjuring spells.

Transfiguration had actually been the one class that he and his friends were sure that they'd still have together this year. Remus had a particular fondness for it - both the class and Professor McGonagall. He loved working and studying for this class. His friends, on the other hand, didn't really have a choice but to be especially skillful at Transfiguration. The past four years for them were spent studying and practicing different advanced branches of Transfiguration for them to be able to fully understand every facet of what they needed in order to become Animagi. Remus always knew that if it weren't for legal matters behind it, McGonagall would be proud of them.

"Moony?"

"Oh yeah," Remus muttered, snapping out of it. "She's just been worried about Snape and his lot."

At the mention of Snape, Sirius' shoulders sagged and he leaned back in his seat, looking away from Remus. "Oh really? Why?"

As Remus was about to answer, McGonagall had started to repeat the incantation that they needed to practice. "We want to be able to start conjuring live animals by the start of next month, but inanimate objects is a good starting point," McGonagall said as she walked from table to table.

Looking at the board, he saw that they were supposed to conjure a goblet of water. Looking in front of him, he saw that James and Peter were already talking, with a goblet of water each already in front of them on their desk, and McGonagall was looking at them, impressed.

Remus and Sirius took out their wands and started reciting the incantations, gliding their wands. It only took a few attempts - a few half-goblets and puddles of water here and there - until they both got it. Remus could see many of the Ravenclaws glaring at him and his friends.

"Anyway," Remus continued, "she just thinks that the Dark Magic they've been doing is something that people should be concerned about."

"Bloody right, it is," Sirius said as he played with the water in his goblet, causing it to rise and swirl around.

"She even said that there have been rumors that they've been joining meetings… That they're going to start to fight in the war soon."

"What?" Suddenly Sirius turned back to Remus, his wand slashing in the air in the process and causing the pool of water he was playing with to drench Remus' sleeve. "Fuck. I'm sorry," he muttered.

"Oh, it's okay, I can -"

Before Remus could finish, Sirius grabbed Remus' hand and raised it until the boy's arm was level.. Sirius then muttered an incantation and started waving his wand above Remus' sleeve. "I'm sorry. It's just… I think that it's true. I just didn't think it would be happening so fast. I hate the lot but… They're just a bunch of kids like us, aren't they? I didn't think that people would be hearing about it already and…"

Remus frowned. "How do you know?"

As he continued to siphon the water off with his wand, Sirius sighed. "It's uh… It's Regulus. I don't want to talk about it but… Evans is onto something." He settled Remus' arm down.

Remus wanted to ask further, but he figured that it had something to do with why Sirius left home. It had been weeks and Sirius hadn't told anyone the full story of why he left, not even James. They knew a lot about what went on at Grimmauld Place, but they were still at a lost when it came to what happened that finally made Sirius snap.

He looked at Sirius, who looked normal. No one would be able to tell just from looking at him that he was having a hard time. Still, there was a lack of spark in his eyes and a sense of tiredness in his face. Remus was now realizing that whatever happened the night he left must have a lot to do with Regulus.

"Uh, Moony?"

"Hmm?"

Sirius looked down and Remus' eyes followed. He realized that he was still holding onto Sirius' hand.

He let go immediately, feeling blood rush to his cheeks at an instant. "Right… Sorry," he said, laughing nervously.

Sirius smiled, looking apprehensive but amused. "It's okay."

Remus turned back to McGonagall, who was starting to discuss a new set of conjuring spells and the principles behind them. He picked up his quill and started taking down notes, trying to ignore the pounding in his ears.

By the Sunday of their first week back, Remus was already tired of school. Most of the sixth-years had a lot of breaks that year to help them cope with their N.E.W.T.-level subjects. Remus, on the other hand, just had more classes. He knew that he needed all the skills and experience he could get if he wanted to even have a chance at finding a job as a werewolf after Hogwarts.

This is how he found himself stuck with subjects he didn't want to continue like Astronomy.

It was a particularly cold night and he had an early class tomorrow so spending his Sunday night in the Astronomy tower was the last thing Remus wanted to do.

He only had a few more things to fill in in his chart when he heard footsteps behind him. Nervously, he looked behind him.

He wasn't sure if he was allowed to be up here tonight. Technically, the assignment wasn't due for another few days, but the full moon was later this week so he wanted to a head start. Still, it was past curfew and he knew that Sinistra, their new professor, hadn't scheduled the Astronomy tower to be used by anyone tonight. "Lumos," he whispered, standing up.

The light illuminated the tower and he saw Sirius walking towards him.

Sirius put his hands up. "Just me, Remus."

Remus relaxed, sitting back on his stool. "What are you doing here?"

"James and Peter got worried about you being too cold so they forced me to come up here and bring you this." Sirius held up a blanket that he had carried with him. "James also said not to offer the blanket unless I really can't convince you to come to bed and rest. They said it had to be me because they didn't want you to accuse them of being overbearing again."

Laughing, Remus turned back to his telescope. "People wouldn't think it, but James and Peter can really be such mums sometimes."

Sirius pulled up a stool and sat next to him, smiling. "They just care about you."

"And you don't?" Remus asked, grinning, as he looked into his telescope again.

He hears Sirius laugh. "'Course I do! I just know a hopeless cause when I see one. You'd be inconsolable if I actually forced you to - Merlin forbid - get some actual fucking rest instead of freezing your arse off at midnight in the dark."

Remus looked up from the telescope and smiled at Sirius.

"What?"

Remus shook head. "No, just haven't heard you made fun of me in a while. Missed it."

Sirius' smile faded away. "Huh… I guess so."

"It's not just me, right? Things have been strange between us."

"Yeah, I know I've been a tad bit too stiff around you. I'm sorry."

Remus snorted. "Nah, I should've been reaching out more. Should've been making you feel like it's okay to still be the way you are."

Sirius sighed, standing up and leaning over the stone railing of the tower. "It's just… I know that, for a while at least, a part of you will always be thinking about what I did whenever I joke around now or play pranks on people."

"You joking around wasn't the problem."

"You know what I mean… And don't act like it's a far jump from what the problem was, mate. A part of why you're starting to trust me again is because I've been less of an arshehole lately."

"I guess," Remus admitted, rising from his stool and standing next to him. "But that's not fair. You don't need to do that anymore. I missed you. "

Sirius was looking up at the sky now. He didn't turn to Remus but he smiled. "I missed you too."

Remus felt strange. It was the same feeling he had when Sirius showed up at his doorstep in the middle of the night or when he talked to Sirius weeks ago at the Potters'. Before everything happened he and Sirius were almost never this vocal about their feelings to each other. Even in the moments that were especially sentimental like when they found out Remus was werewolf or when they completed their Animagi transformations for the first time, it had always been them four. Or sometimes it was with James or Peter. Remus was almost as close to Sirius as James was, but their language of affection had always been different; it was understood through gifts, quiet moments, and endearing sarcasm. Feeling this bare with Sirius alone was new. The vulnerability of it crept up on him and he looked away from Sirius.

Remus looked up at the sky as well. You always had the best view of the stars and constellations from this tower, but he found it difficulty in finding the beauty of it tonight. The moon was almost full, reminding him that he was just three days away from his next transformation.

For a moment, he caught himself thinking about whether he should talk to Sirius about the full moon now. About how Remus still couldn't bring himself to be okay with Padfoot being there during the transformations just yet. But he looked at Sirius and saw how calm he looked, the most relaxed that Remus has seen him in months. He didn't want to ruin this moment yet.

"Besides," Sirius started, still looking at the horizon, "All these pranks… and tormenting Snivellus and the other Slytherins… It's all stupid and dangerous. All the hate James and I have got for the bloke always seemed so harmless and funny but the past year it has been getting way too far… It wasn't just what I did that was fuckin' terrible… It's also everything that's been leading up to that that I've been doing and thinking because I'm an idiot."

"Never thought I'd hear something like that come out of your mouth. You do realize you can still hate him, you know?"

"And I do. But for different reasons now. For bigger reasons."

"Still. I know that what happened with Snape and whatever your family has got to do with the war is really getting to you and that's why you've been all mature and eloquent and tense. And we don't need to talk about that second part," Remus added, upon sensing Sirius tense up next to him. "But you don't have to be all that all the time to prove that you're a good person. You can still be the overdramatic and annoying bloke that I know."

"I appreciate that that's your description of me being myself," Sirius said, a grin returning to his face.

Remus just nudged Sirius with an elbow and Sirius nudged back. There wasn't much else to say right now. They stood there in silence, feeling a sense of a promise between them - one that they can't quite place yet - suspended in the air.


	3. First Full Moon

Sirius practically jumped onto Remus's bed,with a quill and parchment in hand, making Remus lose grip of his book and lose his pages. Feeling particularly irritable with the moon coming up the next day, he kicked Sirius's leg. "You're an idiot, you know that?"

"I need you to check my Charms essay. Did I use this quote right or is it obvious that I just used it because it took up more parchment space?" Sirius asked, pointing to a sentence with his quill.

Remus glanced at it. "You used it right. Surprisingly."

"You hurt me, Moony," Sirius said, dramatically splaying a hand over his chest before sitting up straight, cross-legged on the bed as Remus tried to find his pages, finding himself grinning despite the disturbance. Instead of leaving, Sirius dipped into the pot of ink that open on Remus' nightstand and continued writing next to his friend.

It had only been a couple of days since their conversation in the tower, but things had more or less fallen back in step with their friendship. Which is why, Remus suddenly thought, that maybe it was the right time to tell him. If they were being honest with each other, Remus should be able to tell him that he wasn't comfortable having him there during full moons yet.

He didn't realize that he'd been staring until Sirius looked up from his essay. "What?"

Remus quickly tore his eyes away from him and back to his book. "Nothing. Just can't believe you're actually doing homework before the day it's due."

"Yeah, well, I'd rather use my break tomorrow sleeping than rushing this essay."

The door of their dorm opened and Peter peeked in. "Are you two coming? James is is probably already on the way because he just came from a meeting with McGonagall about tryouts."

Remus looked at the clock and saw that Defense Against the Dark Arts was starting in a while. He groaned, feeling knackered despite not having any classes yet today.

"Yeah, yeah," Remus said, getting off the bed and putting on his shoes. "Sirius?"

Sirius was getting off the bed as well, running his hands through his locks. "You two go ahead. I'll catch up."

Remus frowned as he grabbed his bag. "Why?"

"I'll be at the loo. I have to fix my hair," he said, as if it was obvious, before disappearing into their bathroom.

Remus rolled his eyes and looked at Peter, who shrugged.

"You can't be surprised at this point," Peter said, holding the door open for him.

Remus chuckled as he left the room with Peter. "That's true."

As they walked down and out of the Gryffindor Common Room, Peter asked, "Have you told him yet?"

"Told him what?" Remus asked, fixing his eyes on the floor as they walked.

"That you still don't want him to come with us tomorrow?"

"I… Well…"

Peter stopped in his tracks. "You're joking!"

Remus halted as well, turning to where Peter was standing. "I know, I know. Everything's just been so normal the past couple of days that I don't want to ruin it."

Peter shook his head. "You're smarter than this. You know he'll be more upset the longer you wait to tell him, right?" he asked, as they start to walk again.

"I'm aware of that, Peter," Remus mumbled.

Peter sighed. "I'm not trying to attack you."

Remus nodded. "No, I know. You're right. I'll have to tell him later, don't I?"

After Potions class, a subject that he, Sirius, and James were continuing, Remus went up with Sirius to the owlery as James headed to Quidditch tryouts, muttering angrily about how every year, there is a group of first years who sign up just to fall off brooms even after being told that no first year has been allowed into the team in decades.

"Who's it for?" Remus asked, nodding his head towards the letter in Sirius' hand as they walked up the tower where the owlery was located.

"Uncle Alphard," Sirius answered, looking at the letter fondly. "James' parents wrote to me saying that Uncle Alphard managed to smuggle more of my stuff out of Grimmauld Place and dropped it off at the Potters'. Not most of it. Just the rest of my clothes and a few records. Still, I wanted to say thank you and ask him if I could visit him over the break."

"That's nice of him. This is the uncle that you and Andromeda always visited right?" Remus asked, remembering her as the Slytherin Head Girl from when they were first years. He still recalled how she would spend time with Sirius instead of mocking him after the Sorting ceremony like his other cousins and did.

Sirius nodded. "He was livid when they blasted her off that disgusting tapestry. He was always sticking up for the two of us. I don't even know how he managed to keep himself from getting blasted off as well."

They reached the owlery and Sirius attached his letter to the leg of one of the school owls. He and Remus watched the owl fly away.

"Hey, Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"About the full moon tomorrow…"

Sirius turned to him. "Oh, don't worry. I'll behave, I promise. I'll even take extra measures this time -"

"Sirius, that's not -" Remus tried to explain, before sighing as Sirius cut him off again.

"No, no, I know. Snivellus. I'll avoid him."

"Sirius…"

"Even I do run into him I won't…" he trailed off. "What is it?"

"You know that I'm glad we're friends again but…"

"Oh," Sirius whispered, an expression of realization dawning on his face.

"I'm sorry," is all Remus could manage. Any sort of explanation at this point just felt awkward and he knew that Sirius would understand. Still, it didn't make him feel less terrible.

Sirius nodded, smiling but Remus could see the hurt in his eyes. "Not a big deal, mate. I get it."

"Are you sure? Because I understand if you're-"

"It's fine." His smile still plastered on his face.

They stood there awkwardly, until Sirius cleared his throat. "Anyway, I have to go finish that essay," he said, turning around and starting to walk away.

"See you at dinner!"

"Yeah, see you," Sirius called back, without turning around.

"This is your fault," Remus muttered as he walked across the grass with James and Peter for Herbology the next day. It was another class Remus thought he might as well take for his future desperate attempt to find a job after Hogwarts. James and Peter, on the other hand, were more than happy to continue the subject. They never quite cared about it before, but after a year of running around in their Animagi forms in the forests, they had grown fascinated by the strange plants they found in their adventures.

"I'm sorry I forced you to be a decent person and tell him the truth," Peter said sarcastically.

Remus groaned. "I know, I know. I'm sorry. Just feeling rubbish. And furious. At myself," he clarified, before Peter could counter him again.

"You shouldn't!" James said immediately. "I talked to him. He's fine. Doesn't hate you if that's what you're thinking."

"I know he doesn't. But he's still acting strange again. Didn't talk to me at dinner yesterday or at breakfast. It feels like a step back."

James shook his head and elbowed Remus. "Nah, come on. He'll get over it."

Remus didn't say anything, just shrugging in response.

"Cheer up, Moony," Peter said. "I heard we're dealing with Venomous Tentaculas today!"

James laughed. "Remember that full moon where Padfoot was grabbed by the ankle and thrown by one of those nasty vines? It was brilliant! No wonder Sirius doesn't want to continue the subject, he'd rather -"

James stopped abruptly as he noticed Lily walking just a few steps behind them

"Oh, Evans, how are y-"

"Not today, Potter," she muttered, trying to overtake them on the way to the greenhouses.

However, before she could, in her rush, her foot got caught on a rock and she started to tumble over. James dropped his books and caught her by the arm and waist before she could hit the ground.

She grabbed onto his shoulder as she pulled herself up, hiking the strap of her bag back onto her shoulder. Letting go of him, she rolled her eyes. "Thank you," she said, sounding like the words pained her. "But if that was a jinx just you could swoop in and -" she cut herself off as James, instead of replying, crouched down to pick up the books on the ground, some of which were Lily's, first. He handed her books to her, with a smile so polite and sincere that Peter and Remus glanced at each other as they watched the two carefully, as if scared that Lily was going to whip out her wand to jinx James.

James just shook his head. "It wasn't. I swear. I don't blame you for thinking that, of course. But it wasn't." He pointed his wand at Lily's books, muttering a scouring charm to clean the mud off the covers.

Lily squinted at James. "...Right then." She turned to Remus, glaring at him - a look that Remus read as You better tell me what he's playing at, being all polite and respectful suddenly, soon because it's not working on me anyway - before continuing her way to the greenhouses.

"What was that about?" Remus asked James in a tone that he realized sounded accusing only after he said it.

"I told you I was going to try and stop being a wanker," James said as he cleaned off his books as well.

"So this is part of that? This isn't some new plan?" Peter asked suspiciously

James tilted his head, as if not getting why his friends were confused. "Dunno. We've got more things to worry about at this point, don't we?" James continued walking after putting his books into his bag.

Peter raised his eyebrows at Remus, who just shrugged.

Remus' bones were aching and he could just imagine how pale he looked as he could feel all the blood drain from his face. He already felt out of breath as he walked to the Hospital Wing. He regretted pushing himself to go to his classes today. He usually didn't on the day of the moon, but his schedule was packed and his subjects were more advanced this year. The thought of work he had to catch up on after the full moon made him anxious.

He felt silly still being required by Dumbledore to be escorted by Madam Pomfrey to the Whomping Willow and to the Shrieking Shack every month, especially knowing that when he got there, James and Peter would already be waiting for him in one of the rooms underneath the invisibility cloak. They always went ahead, it was more difficult to sneak out after the dark, they figured, realizing that that was when Snape and his friends would be watching them closely and when more prefects were out patrolling. Besides, Dumbledore had also instructed some of the teachers to patrol the grounds a bit at night this school year. He didn't mention why but Remus figured it was extra security measures now that war was starting to getting worse.

Remus was feeling more nervous than usual. This was his first full moon since the Snape incident. He didn't know what to expect. Throughout the day he'd been picturing scenarios of Snape waiting at him at the Shack when he got there or him encountering Remus and his friends in Animagi form while they ran around Forbidden Forest. Cringing at the latter scenario, he made a mental note to ask his friends if they could stay in the grounds and forests by Hogsmeade instead of running back down the tunnel to roam school grounds like they sometimes did.

It wasn't just that either. While he kept more of himself intact during transformations when his friends were there with him, there were still near misses. Sometimes they'd run into people in the forests by Hogsmeade at night or see students who must have snuck out loitering at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. They never came to face to face with Remus; maybe Wormtail, Prongs, or Padfoot on occasion, but never Remus. Still, he was sure that they must have caught glimpses of him and just dismissed it as their eyes playing on tricks on them so late into the night. He knew that he could've hurt them if his friends weren't quick on their feet during their adventures or if the fraction of his mind he had started to keep during transformations lapsed a few seconds while his friends were too far away. They always just laughed about it afterwards the morning after when they'd have near-encounters with humans. Remus never really felt the magnitude of what he was actually risking until the night James saved Snape from him. He felt stupid. He knew that it wasn't just his friends who had to be more responsible when it came to his condition. He did too.

He had told James to make sure he didn't let the wolf even remotely near the edges of the forests now or the nearby villages. He wished it was enough. Locking the wolf up in the Shack often resulted to him hurting himself more over the night. The lack of new scars and severe bruises on his skin the past year because of his friends has left Madam Pomfrey perplexed, but she eventually attributed it to Remus getting stronger. Remus hoped that she meant it and that she wasn't just hiding her suspicions.

"Remus!"

Remus snapped out of his thoughts just as he was at the doors to the Hospital Wing. Turning around, he saw Sirius jogging up to him.

As Sirius reached him, he found himself smiling. Sirius hadn't talked to him at all the past 24 hours.

"I'm sorry," Sirius managed to say, sounding out of breath. "I'm sorry."

Remus furrowed his brow. "What? For what, mate?"

"For acting strange and bitter because of you not…" Sirius trailed off, looking guilty. "Just wanted to see you before you went. Make sure you don't feel bad about it."

Warmth spread throughout Remus' chest, his anxieties temporarily tamed as he nodded. "I… 'Course… Thanks for that."

Sirius smiled. "Er… have fun?"

Remus laughed. "I'll try."


	4. Two Years In

Sirius Black didn't know when he started to fall in love with Remus Lupin but he could remember when he started to realize he couldn't deny that he was.

It was during fourth-year in the middle of their first Potions class that year. It wasn't some grand thing. Remus didn't say or do anything profound that made Sirius come to the epiphany. Remus had simply looked at him, smiled, and, with his thumb, brush off the powdered ginger root that had found its way to the corner of Sirius' lips. It was the smallest gesture, but the softness of it was what got to Sirius. It was foreign to him as a fourteen-year-old who spent most of his time with Remus wrestling over stupid things and making dumb jokes.

But not that foreign. It was the same softness he felt when he fixed the sheets draped over Remus when he was passed out at the Hospital Wing. Or when Or when Remus smiled at him - those sincere, genuine, timid smiles that were different from when he'd grin after James and Sirius did something stupid or when the four of them were planning a prank - when Sirius would bring him food or help heal his wounds.

That moment in his first fourth year Potions class, he realized that softness was understatement for what he felt for Remus and it terrified him.

For the rest of that class, fourteen-year-old Sirius had practically stood frozen in front of his cauldron. James had managed to snap him out of it after Remus and Peter had rushed to Divination - a subject James and Sirius dropped halfway into their third year. It had resulted to Sirius having a full-blown panic attack in the middle of the empty classroom as James tried to calm him down. Days later, he gave in and told James, in a fit of tears. Thinking back on it now, it seemed silly to think that James would think any different of him. James was intolerable to most people majority of the time, but this was the same boy who befriended the terrified kid who was the heir of a Slytherin, inbred, pureblood-supremacist family and whose first thought when he found out his other best friend was a werewolf was to try and become Animagi to help him.

Now, in the same classroom two years later, Sirius sat on his stool and rested his chin on his hand as he looked at Remus, who was stationed in front of him. Sirius had finished his Draught of Living Death earlier than the rest of the class, only being beaten by Lily and Snape.

Remus always had layers on. He never seemed to run out of jumpers and cardigans and jackets. But right now, with the room full of steam and fire, it felt like the inside of a boiling cauldron. No one had their complete uniform on. Remus had taken his robes, jumper, and tie off. The top two buttons of shirt were undone and his sleeves were pushed up to his elbows. Sirius liked seeing him like this. Remus was far from being proper and polished all the time, but he always dressed and moved like he was thinking about how people would see him. Now, as he struggled over his potion, he frustratedly wiped beads of sweat off his forehead and slammed a knife down onto the table. "Fuck!" he yelled.

Sirius held back a laugh.

Remus muttered a vanishing spell and started to line up his ingredients again, starting over. Sirius wanted to offer to help, but he knew that there were two times that you shouldn't bother him: before the moon and during Potions class. Besides, Sirius liked watching him like this. It was endearing. He didn't know how it was endearing; Remus mostly just furiously cursed and talked to himself throughout the class. But it was.

Realizing that he liked boys at fourteen years old was hard for Sirius. He didn't know anyone who was like him at the time. He didn't think - despite James' assurances - that anyone else was like him. Of course, over the past two years, he was proven wrong. He had developed a good sense of figuring out if a bloke was like him or not. There haven't been a lot. There were a couple of Ravenclaws he had snogged in closets a few times over his fifth year and there was the Hufflepuff Quidditch captain that he dated - if wanking each other off in the Quidditch changing rooms everyday and flirting in Herbology when no one was paying attention counted as dating - for two weeks. Still, it was enough to assure himself that there was nothing wrong with him.

As much as he was glad it helped Sirius, James never approved of any of the blokes Sirius hooked up with. He always insisted that Sirius deserved an actual relationship, that he shouldn't be doing any of this if he was in love with Remus. Sirius always let it slide, it was hard to make James understand sometimes.

Remus was one of the few blokes that Sirius had trouble reading. Sure, he's never paid much interest to girls, but it wasn't enough. Sirius never got enough from him that could ever justify risking it and ruining their friendship. Especially now.

"What?"

Remus' voice jerked Sirius out of his thoughts. He looked around, realizing he must have been staring at him for a quite a while as he watched his classmates pack their things up."Oh. Sorry. Was just thinking."

He could sense James trying not to laugh beside him.

Remus looked at Sirius curiously. "Alright then. I'm going to Ancient Runes. See you two at lunch."

As he watched Remus - and the rest of the class - leave the room, James shoved him and he stumbled out of his seat.

"Oi! What was that for?"

"You're terrible at hiding it, mate," James said, shaking his head and grabbing his bag.

Sirius let out a loud whine as they start to walk out of the classroom.

They turned to an empty hallway and sat on a bench.

"I don't know what's gotten into you, mate," James said. "You've been stellar at hiding it these past two years but lately…"

" I know! Dunno, I reckon it's not seeing him or talking him for the better part of the summer… Almost losing him… It's messing me up, James."

James smiled at him with pity."I know you're mad for the bloke but he's still your friend. You can't be acting like that around him if you don't want him to know."

Sirius knew James was right. But it was just not having Remus around for so long, having Remus despise him for so long, that made him more aware of Remus' presence now. The way Remus talked, the way Remus touched him, the way he smiled,...

"What if I did let him know?" Sirius found himself saying.

"Sirius…"

"I mean… I was considering last year…"

James sighed. "That was before the incident. Now… I know you two have been good lately, but if I were you, I would focus on making sure it stays that way rather than risk doing something you're not even sure of."

Sirius leaned on the wall, sinking down. "You're right. He probably wouldn't fancy me back anyway, will he?"

James shrugged. "Anything's possible, mate. It's just that it's Remus. Hard to read him sometimes."

Sirius groaned, banging his head repeatedly on the wall behind him . "It really is. Fucking bastard. I hate him."

James rolls his eyes. "Sure you do." He stands up and pulls Sirius up with him. "Come on, let's go to Hogsmeade. Got the cloak right here," he said, patting his bag. "If I have to listen to you moan about Moony -"

"You're going to punch me again?" Sirius asked, smirking.

James looked apologetic for a few seconds but shook his head. "No, I was going to say that if I have to listen to you moan about him, I want to be a little drunk for it. I love you, mate, but two years of this pining nonsense is exhausting," he teased, grinning.

"Yeah, because your crush on Evans these past six years have been such a delight."

James punches Sirius on the arm.

"Ow! No more punching!"

James snickered. "C'mon now. I'm serious. We don't have to drink or anything, I just think you could use some cheering up."

"Our break isn't that long."

"Yeah, but it's lunch afterwards, and we've got another break after that. We'll be back for double Defense Against Dark Arts. I swear."

Sirius frowned. "I don't know… Moony said he'd see us at lunch."

"I'm sure Remus and Peter can handle us not eating with them for one day," James said, pulling out the map as they started to walk towards the stairway. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good," James said in a rush as he tapped the map. "Merlin, we really should have come up with something shorter."

Sirius laughed and took a look at the map. "Coast is clear on the third floor, let's hur-" Sirius' eye catches a dot with Regulus' name a few classrooms down from where they were standing. It was accompanied with three other dots. Snape, Avery, and Mulciber. The group was alone.

Feeling uneasy, he looked away from the map. James frowned at him.

"Are you all right, mate?" He asked, his gaze following the spot on the map that Sirius had stared at. "Oh… Well, I'm sure it's nothing…"

Sirius shook his head as they hurried up the stairway. "Wish it was nothing."

"What do you mean?"

Sirius sighed. "Later."

It was rare for Sirius to be helping Remus with school work. It wasn't that Sirius was rubbish at it. In fact, he and James were a couple of the most brilliant students in Hogwarts and would have grades that could rival Remus or Lily's if they actually took the time to study once in a while. It was rare because Remus was actually usually good at school. More so because Remus was usually terrible at asking for help.

"You know what? I'll just fail the practical test," Remus said, vanishing the potion in his cauldron.

Slughorn had never given them formal practical tests for potions they had already made in class and discussed prior hand, at least not until the exams at the end of the year. Usually, after discussing, he'd ask them to make the potions on the spot and he'd give them their marks afterwards. However, since most of the students who had progressed to N.E.W.T.-level Potions were struggling, he had figured that giving them practical tests after allotting a few days of practice after the initial trial would help them. He even let the sixth-years use the classroom to practice when it was vacant.

There were only about a dozen of them who managed to progress to N.E.W.T.-level Potions, but majority of them were practicing in the classroom instead of resting during their break. The only people who weren't there were Snape, James, and Lily. Sirius wouldn't have needed to be there either if it weren't for Remus, but as he watched Remus carefully, he found that he didn't mind that much. With only nine of them instead of the usual class number they had in previous years, the groups of students were able to spread out and take a corner of the room each. He and Remus took the corner by the supply cabinet after Remus insisted that he was probably going to end up starting over several times.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "C'mon, Moony. You're being dramatic."

Remus glared at Sirius as he started gathering his ingredients again and adding them into the cauldron.

"Eyes on the cauldron," Sirius said, grinning. "Now watching the fire is crucial here. You have to make sure you control it so it's at the right heat."

Remus groaned. "See? Why can't the instructions just say that."

"Honeywater is the most sensitive to temperature changes," Sirius said as if it was obvious.

"But I haven't even added that yet!" Remus complained, frowning at the cauldron.

"But you're adding it next, aren't you? You have to bring up the rest of the crap to the right temperature before you add Honeywater. See? It's already turning green. You're doing brilliant."

Unfazed by Sirius' encouragement, Remus muttered curses under his breath as he grabbed the bottle of Honeywater, examining the label carefully.

"Language," Sirius said, grinning. "This is honestly the most violent I've seen you. And that's saying something."

Sirius felt his chest grow heavy as Remus glanced at him quickly, holding back a smile.

"Sorry," Remus mumbled. "I've just never just been this horrible at Potions. I hate sixth year."

"Nah, you'll get it. I'm sure y-" Sirius cut himself off as Remus lifted the phial over the cauldron, looking like he was going to pour the contents in one go. Sirius enclosed his hand over Remus's, guiding his pace. "Add it in gradually. Slowly. Adjusts to the heat better that way."

Remus sighed. "That… makes sense. Thanks."

Sirius tried to focus his eyes on the pale yellow liquid that slowly trickled down into the cauldron as he felt his hand guiding Remus's trembling a bit. It was ridiculous but he found himself worrying whether Remus could hear how fast his heart was drumming. And he couldn't even look at Remus now. He didn't know why but he suddenly felt paranoid that if Remus could see the look in the eye as he tried not to fixate on the feel on Remus's skin, Remus would somehow know.

He knew he should probably let go now. Remus got the idea. But Remus also didn't seem to mind. He was still muttering complaints about how he didn't get how this was second nature to Sirius under his breath. Sirius just wanted their interlace their fingers right there. Curl his fingers into the gaps of Remus'.

Sirius found himself brushing his thumb against Remus's thumb before he could realize what he was doing. Remus didn't seem to make much of it and just glanced at him quickly before returning his focus on the potion, but Sirius let go of Remus' hand as soon as he realized.

Despite the alarms that were sounding in his head, Sirius smiled. Trying to act casual. "Yeah, you've got the idea," he said as Remus continued to hold the phial at the angle Sirius held it at. "You're a natural, Moony!"

"I hate this, Sirius. You know if I fuck this potion up even the slightest bit it could be poisonous? Why do they even let students do this?"

As his heartbeat started to slow down, Sirius managed to laugh. "We learned spells that could literally murder a person last week, Remus."

Sirius grinned as Remus rolled his eyes, holding back a laugh.


	5. Sirius and Regulus

Remus couldn't stop thinking about Sirius.

He had initially dismissed it. He figured that the friendship just felt new after not talking to him for so long and the unease they felt the few weeks after they made up. But now, it was three weeks since the full moon and over a month since they had started talking again. Something was different. He just couldn't place it.

He felt like it had something to do with how much more openly vulnerable Sirius had been lately. There was still a lot of things that he didn't know about what happened that summer at Grimmauld Place, and Sirius was still dramatic and used his humor to hide deeper emotions that Remus couldn't quite read yet. Still, there has been a sense of earnestness and sincerity whenever Sirius talked to him or touched him lately, a kind that seemed distinct from his usual theatrical physical affection. A brush of a thumb, a punctuation of a warm smile with every question, a linger of a touch.

Remus figured they were little ways that Sirius reassured Remus everyday that he was there for him, that Remus could trust him. Remus thought he'd find the idea of it overbearing; too much. He didn't. Instead, the comfort that he assumed Sirius meant by these subtle gestures was felt again and again. He felt it in the warmth of it in his chest every time he was with Sirius now.

"Remus?" Lily asked, waving a hand in front of his face as they walked. They were supposed to patrol separately tonight to cover more ground since a couple of other prefects who were scheduled alongside them couldn't make it, but patrolling the empty halls alone at night always bored them too much.

"Oh, sorry. Did you say something?"

"I was just asking about Potter."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "What about him?"

"I don't know… He's been acting strange lately. He's been nauseatingly nice and polite to me," Lily said, frowning.

"A nightmare, really."

Lily laughed. "You know what I mean. I just… don't want to catch myself commending him when it could very well be just something he's doing to win me over."

"It isn't."

"You're his friend," she said accusingly.

"I'm his friend who warned you everytime he was about to enter a room and jinxed him whenever he overstepped his boundaries with you."

Lily sighed. "You're right"

"I love James but I know when he's being a wanker or not. And lately, he hasn't been."

"That's true, I reckon… But to be honest, it's still hard to buy."

Remus shrugged. "Don't blame you. But he really is getting better."

"We'll see."

Before Remus could continue attempting to convince her further, they hear a crash down the hall. They look at each other before sprinting toward the origin of the noise, pulling their wands out.

When they reach the door where the sound seemed to have come from, they hear a voice.

"I JUST WANT TO PROTECT YOU. YOU ARE GOING TO GET KILLED, YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE JUST TURNED FIFTEEN, FOR MERLIN'S FUCKING SAKE!"

Recognizing the voice almost immediately, Remus yanks the door open.

They found themselves speechless as two of them face Sirius and Regulus, whose expressions were nothing of short of murderous and who were still pointing their wands at each other, grips so tight that their arms were shaking.

Lily finally broke the silence, storming into the room. "What are you two pricks doing?! Lower your wands!"

Looking back at each other, eyeing each movement carefully, the Black brothers slowly lowered their wands.

"Ten points from Gryffindor."

Sirius groaned. "Come on, Evans -"

"And ten points from Slytherin as well."

Remus stayed silent next to her, not knowing what to do. He watched Sirius, who was avoiding Remus' gaze.

Regulus kicked the leg of a table before storming out.

Lily watched the younger Black brother leave before turning to Sirius. "Black, you know I'd usually just deduct points and keep quiet about it if it's just a curfew matter. And as much as I despise you, you've been uncharastically… behaved, lately -"

"Gee, thanks."

"- but given you and your brother's history of violence… and the fact that your wands were out…I might have to tell McGonagall."

"Evans, come on!" Sirius tucked his wand back into his pocket. "It was nothing!"

"What was that crash? Are you okay?" Remus finally managed to ask. In his periphery, Remus caught a glimpse of Lily's disdain of his pitying tone, but he ignores it. "What happened?"

"It was nothing," Sirius replied through gritted teeth, obviously trying to stay calm. "Regulus tried to throw a bloody chair at me so I dodged it and pulled my wand out as a reflex. That's it. And it was a close one too, you should have seen it. Dodged it beautifully ." Sirius was smiling now, but Remus could sense the manic energy behind it and his humor.

Lily narrowed her eyes. "I don't know, Black…"

Sirius took a deep breath. "Look, Evans . I like you. I really do. But you're making it really hard when you can't understand that me yelling and pointing a wand at Regulus aren't the worst things right now. Especially given the things that I'm sure that you, at this point, know he's involved in."

Lily's face softened, and looked at Remus, who shrugged, knowing any input would just seem biased. Which it would be. Lily rolled her eyes and looked back at Sirius.

"I don't need some kind of family counselling with Regulus from McGonagall, Evans," Sirius added. "I can use that time to figure out exactly what's going on with those Death Eater arseholes he's friends with and stop my little brother from potentially contributing to genocide."

Lily looked taken aback by the bluntness of Sirius' words and nodded slowly. "I get it… You're right. You should head to bed before McGonagall catches you herself, Black."

Sirius' shoulders relaxed and gave her a small, tired smile. "Thank you."

Sirius tried to walk out of the room but Remus grabbed him by the arm.

"What?"

"What is this about, Sirius? You have to talk to me eventually," Remus mumbled, although he was sure that Lily could hear him anyway.

Sirius shook his head, looking at him apologetically, before pulling his arm away and walking off.

Remus looked at Lily, curiously.

Lily shrugged. "I've told you everything I think I know our first day back. Sounds like I'm right."

Remus sighed, suddenly recalling a mental image of Regulus the first time he met him on the train during Regulus' first year when Remus and his friends were starting their second year. He and Sirius looked almost identical back then. The neat, combed, pitch-black hair before Sirius started growing it out, the piercing grey eyes, the tall nose, the perfect posture and proper mannerisms that took Sirius years to grow out of. It was back when Regulus still didn't fully understand what Sirius in Gryffindor meant. Regulus knew it was bad, according to his family, but Remus recalled that it was a time when Regulus didn't seem to pick a side yet, despite his already-growing admiration for You-Know-Who. He still couldn't have had let go of his brother. Remus remembered him standing nervously next to Sirius as Sirius introduced him to Remus, James, and Peter. He looked so small and scared. Remus felt uneasy thinking of him, just fifteen, joining You-Know-Who's ranks. He couldn't imagine what Sirius must be feeling.

"Our shift is ending anyway," Lily murmured. She looked as disturbed as Remus was. "Let's do one more round of the third floor before going to bed."

Remus nodded, still staring at the spot Regulus stood.

After Remus told James and Peter what happened the night before, they both nodded like it made sense.

"If you really want to know what happened at Grimmauld Place this summer, you should ask him," James said.

"Yeah, it's really not our place to tell you," Peter added.

Remus frowned. "Wait. You two know?"

The three of them were sitting cross legged as they talked on Remus' bed.

"He told me when we snuck out to go to Hogsmeade last week."

"And I was here in the dorm with him when he got a Howler from his dad a couple of days ago. I asked him about it and he told me," Peter added.

Remus shook his head in disbelief. "Why hasn't he told me?"

James raised his eyebrows at Remus and it was all Remus needed to remind himself that this wasn't about him. That he had no right to be offended when this was about Sirius finally escaping an abusive household.

"Right, sorry," Remus mumbled.

Peter sighed. "He's still feeling guilty about what he did to you, Moony. I know you two are okay now but I reckon he's still scared to make any moment between you two about him. The bloke's just trying to keep his promise to not burden you with crap. I know that this isn't what you meant but…"

Remus slouched against the head of his bed. "That sounds like him."

"But it doesn't have to be like that. If you want to know, then snap him out of it," James said, shrugging. "Just ask him. Straightforward. It's not about you, yeah, but you still deserve to know why he's acting the way he is. Especially since it's been well over a month since he promised to tell all of us. Besides, it's nothing you don't already know. The whole Regulus thing is already a big part of it. But you ask him about the whole story, the details… I think he'll tell you. He wants to."

Remus sighed, already feeling nervous about potentially making Sirius angry and lash out again. "I will."

Remus sat anxiously on Sirius' bed as Sirius was still in the toilet. With Peter down in the Common Room where Remus left him and James at Quidditch practice, he knew that he and Sirius wouldn't be alone any other time again today.

He knew that he didn't necessarily have to talk to him about it. He got the gist just from everything he's heard Sirius say and the way that Sirius was acting. Regulus was on his way to join the Death Eaters in the war. Sirius found out. He left home.

Still, he wanted to hear Sirius talk about it; he wanted to understand what his friend was going through. Lately, everything has been about him and what Sirius did wrong. And while it has been valid, if they were going to expect this friendship to truly heal, Remus was going to have and remember Sirius' healing didn't stop at Remus' forgiveness.

Sirius walked out of the bathroom and saw Remus on his bed. He smirked."We all just kind of ignore we have our own beds, don't we?"

Remus smiles a little. "Yeah… I mean… I actually wanted to ask you about something."

Looking confused, Sirius nodded as he sat next to Remus. "Alright…"

"What happened back home?" Remus blurted out, not knowing how to ask it more gently. "At Grimmauld Place… Why exactly did you leave?"

Sirius frowned. "Don't pretend like everyone doesn't know at this point, Remus."

"I know. It's Regulus. He's… Planning to fight alongside You-Know-Who."

Sirius stood up. "There you go, see? That's it."

Remus grabbed Sirius' wrist before he could walk away. Sirius looked down at their hands and then back at Remus. His face softened as Remus tugged him back down onto the bed.

"I just… Wanted to let you know you can talk to me about it. I want to understand. I don't want you think that I just see you just as some impulsive wanker picking fights with his brother. I want to understand. And I want you to know that your problems outside of what happened with Snape are just as important. You can talk to me."

Sirius' eyes began to water. Remus hasn't seen Sirius this scared since the morning after the incident with Snape. Sirius rubbed his sleeve against his eyes to dry them and took a deep breath. "It's… It's a lot."

"I don't mind…"

"Remus."

"I really don't. I'm not forcing you to… But… "

Sirius let out a chuckle. "I know, I know. It's just… Even after everything I did you still want me burden you. You and your martyr fucking act."

Remus smiled sadly. "You're not burdening anyone, you wanker. And you need to stop thinking that people giving you what you deserve is a martyr fucking act, Padfoot."

"Fair play." He sniffed again and took a deep breath. "About a year ago I started figuring that my family wasn't just a bunch of silent supporters, you know? That they weren't one of those pureblood supremacists that just minded their business. I started noticing that they were going to be a big part of this war. My parents. My cousins and aunts. Their husbands and wives… For some months it was easy to ignore. It was just my parents collecting The Prophet clippings or my aunts and uncles looking sleep deprived every time they visited. Then, around the Christmas holidays, I started noticing more things. My parents were getting visits from strange men in the middle of the night. They started holding meetings at our kitchen. My cousins would arrive with cuts and bruises on their arms."

Remus watched Sirius carefully as he spoke. Sirius kept his eyes on the floor, only glancing at Remus once in a while.

"Still I… I pretended like nothing was happening. It wasn't my business, I reckoned… But over the summer… They started bringing Reg into it." He shook his head, looking irritated. "I started noticing he wasn't in his room whenever our relatives and other other strange people were over talking to our dad in the middle of the night. He started disappearing for days at a time and he'd return looking like rubbish. I even walked in on one of the meetings and everyone was sat around the table, listening to Malfoy - Narcissa's fiance - who was standing at the end of the table and had his arm around Reg as if he was… Presenting him to them. So, I spent the summer talking to him. Trying to get him to tell me what they wanted with him. There were times when I felt like I was getting through him. He'd cry or he'd admit just how scared he was… But in the end, he kept choosing to stick with what they were telling him to do."

Remus frowned. "That's horrible… And that's when you left?"

Sirius snorted. "I wish. That's when I decided I needed to stay."

Remus raised his eyebrows at him. "What?"

"I needed to figure out what was happening. He's fifteen - fourteen when all that was happening - and he's still my brother. I realized I needed to stay and keep an eye on him," Sirius said, shrugging. "But my parents eventually found out. That I've been trying to talk him out of it and get him to confess all the things they were making him do. Yelled at me for good two hours in the living room with Reg there, with Bellatrix, with Narcissa, and even that Malfoy bloke. Everyone was furious . Mum and dad were especially livid that I was trying to ruin the only child they've got that was worth anything. I couldn't handle it anymore. I exploded. Told them I couldn't possibly ruin Reg because they were ruining him already. Told them were all useless and pathetic. Told them every Muggle-born and Half-blood person I knew were worth twice of what they ever hoped to be. Told them that just because they were busy kissing You-Know-Who's arse didn't mean they were important… Then Malfoy took out his wand and next thing I knew I was flying across the room and slamming hard against the wall before falling on the ground. He walked over to me, stepped on my chest, and asked my parents if he could kill me."

Remus put a hand on Sirius' leg, fidgeting slightly at what Sirius was telling him. He squeezed reassuringly, not knowing what to say.

Sirius looked at Remus' hand and offered a small smile at the gesture, but it fell away quickly to a bitter tone as he continued talking. "Oh, that's not the best part, Moony… My dad told Malfoy to leave me alone. And he did. But my dad walked over and looked at me like… Like he finally, fully realized that he was never going to get through to me. That I was never going to be of any use to him, ever, no matter what they did. Then, he used the Cruciatus Curse on me."

Remus' hand fell from Sirius leg, suddenly feeling numb. He looked at Sirius, whose eyes were starting to fill again. His chest felt tight. "Sirius…" It hurt as he spoke, as if his throat had gone completely dry. "I…"

Sirius shook his head slowly as he stared at the floor, looking as if he was in a trance as he continued to speak. "I'm used to them getting a couple of hits and hexes in. But they never… And the worst part is Regulus. Even these past years when it had become clear whose side he was taking, he always reacted when our parents would so much as lay a finger on me. He'd blurt out that they needed to stop or he'd try to distract them. But this time… I was on the fucking floor, screaming in agony and he just… He just stood there and watched. Didn't even leave the room. Didn't even turn away. He just watching me with this look on this face that said I'm sorry but that's what you get. It was too much. The moment they left me alone in the room, I went back to my bedroom, grabbed everything I could and stashed it into my trunk, and got out of there."

Remus sighed. "I'm… I'm sorry."

"For what? Not your fault I was born into that family." His voice was cracking and tears were starting to trickle down his face. He kept his eyes firmly on the same spot on the floor.

"You know what I mean," Remus said, taking Sirius into his arms before the other boy could realize it. "I'm here."

Sirius was limp at first, allowing himself to be embraced as he murmured protests into Remus' chest, but he quickly wrapped his arms around Remus too, heavier sobs starting to escape his throat.

Remus hugged him tighter and started to feel more of just how much Sirius was shaking. Remus was never affectionate. He was always on the other side of the other boys' hugs that they treated like attacks they could use whenever they wanted to bother a busy Remus or whenever Remus didn't want to talk about his feelings. He felt strange being the one to hold Sirius like this, especially since it was different from most of the hugs that Sirius loved to annoy him with. Still, it felt right. He knew he wasn't solving any of Sirius' problems, but it felt good to hold Sirius and make him allow himself to crumble in Remus' arms.

As Sirius tried to speak in between sobs into Remus' chest, it came out unintelligible. Remus could only understand pieces of it every few words.

"I… Sorry… Not usually… And…"

"You don't have to explain. It's okay," Remus said.

"Th… Thanks."

Remus rested his chin on Sirius' head. Sometimes he forgot how much taller he was than Sirius now. Their first few years at Hogwarts Sirius had towered over him. Now, he was an entire head taller than him. But it didn't matter. Sirius usually had all the energy and charisma that could make Remus forget how small Sirius was compared to him every time. It took something like this to remind him.

They sat like that for a while. Sirius sobbing into Remus' jumper and Remus holding him tight. Then, gradually, Sirius calmed down and eventually into a silence. He slowly straightened and looked Remus in the eye.

Remus felt his heart drop to his stomach as he looked back at Sirius, whose eyes were puffy and red. Sirius looked tired, spent. His hair was in a disarray and his breathing was still more labored than usual.

"I thought I cried everything out in the Potters' kitchen months ago," he said with a hollow laugh.

Remus shrugged. "I'm just glad…Not that you're crying, 'course. I'm glad you know that you can with me."

Sirius smiled sadly. "Thanks Moony."

With Sirius so close, every word he said felt so soft and sacred between them. Remus smiled back. "'Course. No problem at all."

Sirius grinned through his wet cheeks and swollen eyes. "Yeah, I'm sure listening to all that was fun for you," he joked, patting Remus' cheek.

"Shut up, you know what I…" he trailed off as he realized that Sirius wasn't taking his hand off Remus' cheek.

Remus wanted to ask, but as his mouth slowly closed, he couldn't bring himself to speak.

Being unable to move, his eyes start to scan Sirius' face. Sirius' smirk was fading and suddenly Sirius was looking at him with a look in his eye that Remus never really saw before. Or at least he thought he hasn't seen it on him before. Sirius' breath was starting to slow; it was steady and controlled now.

Sirius hand felt rough against his skin but held Remus' face so gently, not unlike the way Sirius did when he healed some of Remus' shallower cuts after a full moon. Remus' eyes were locked onto Sirius'. Their faces were only a few inches apart. He could practically feel Sirius' breath on his lips.

When Sirius's hand started to tremble as his thumb brushed against Remus' cheekbone - an area Remus was hyperaware of because it was where his most visible scar was - Remus finally cleared his throat. "Sirius…"

Sirius, whose eyes still looked like they were in a haze, nodded slowly. "Hmm?"

"What are you doing?"

Sirius blinked a few times until an expression of focus dawned on his face. He pulled his hand back hastily and laughed nervously. "I… Nothing."

Sirius stood up quickly and wiped his cheeks with his face. "We should… We should head down. Dinner soon."

Remus looked up at Sirius and felt like he himself had snapped out of a trance as well, only noticing his own heartbeat speeding up now. He nodded and stood up. "Yeah. Let's go."


End file.
